mele kalikimaka
I couldn't resist making a Cousin Eddie reference two days in a row. I don't think anyone will mind.
In case you're wondering, or even if you weren't, I do have a shopping list for Christmas. Apparently, I've already been bequeathed yet another horse, but aside from wallet-sucking equines, the following ten items could stand to be added to my otherwise unmaterialistic stable of Earthly desires:
(1) A weather-changing machine. Not only have I always wanted one of these, and the power trip would be spectacular, but, frankly, the weather in the Panhandle is beginning to whip me. Two days ago, it never got out of the teens and ice covered everything, including my new Cole Haans. On Christmas Day, the projection is 70 degrees and sunny. What the heck? With apologies to the Hoov, weather can be overrated.
(2) An "Amazin' Laser". For those of you unfamiliar with the great Chris Elliot Saturday Night Live bit from the early nineties, let me fill you in. The Amazin' Laser is a ray gun that disintigrates everything in its path. The commercial touts it as a handy gardening tool, and warns that the Amazin' Laser should not be used for evil, but I have plans. Big plans.
(3) A stocking stuffed with coal. I just want to be able to say that I've actually gotten this before.
(4) A new Christmas sweater. Preferably a red Ralph Lauren pullover just like the one that a certain shareholder spilled merlot all over at the Christmas party this weekend. He claims he'll pay the cleaning bill on that one. How he can be so cavalier to the truth I'll never know.
(5) A replica of the zeppelin Hindenberg, but filled with helium. Because that would be pretty cool, and oh, the humanity. Oh oh oh you don't have to go.
(6) More junk to put on my desk. I was told it looks like a real litigator's desk today. I guess that's because it's an absolute wreck of paper. Actually, now that I think about it, the Amazin' Laser could be of some use there.
(7) Someone to wash Revel Blue. And for that matter, Ike. They both need baths.
(8) A DeLorean and a Mr. Fusion. I can figure out the rest.
(9) A little brother who would update his blog once in a while. Like, now.
(10) I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, hopeless, heartless, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey crap he is. Hallelujah.
Where's the Tylenol?
"Crapper's full...Murry Chrissmuss!"
In case you're wondering, or even if you weren't, I do have a shopping list for Christmas. Apparently, I've already been bequeathed yet another horse, but aside from wallet-sucking equines, the following ten items could stand to be added to my otherwise unmaterialistic stable of Earthly desires:
(1) A weather-changing machine. Not only have I always wanted one of these, and the power trip would be spectacular, but, frankly, the weather in the Panhandle is beginning to whip me. Two days ago, it never got out of the teens and ice covered everything, including my new Cole Haans. On Christmas Day, the projection is 70 degrees and sunny. What the heck? With apologies to the Hoov, weather can be overrated.
(2) An "Amazin' Laser". For those of you unfamiliar with the great Chris Elliot Saturday Night Live bit from the early nineties, let me fill you in. The Amazin' Laser is a ray gun that disintigrates everything in its path. The commercial touts it as a handy gardening tool, and warns that the Amazin' Laser should not be used for evil, but I have plans. Big plans.
(3) A stocking stuffed with coal. I just want to be able to say that I've actually gotten this before.
(4) A new Christmas sweater. Preferably a red Ralph Lauren pullover just like the one that a certain shareholder spilled merlot all over at the Christmas party this weekend. He claims he'll pay the cleaning bill on that one. How he can be so cavalier to the truth I'll never know.
(5) A replica of the zeppelin Hindenberg, but filled with helium. Because that would be pretty cool, and oh, the humanity. Oh oh oh you don't have to go.
(6) More junk to put on my desk. I was told it looks like a real litigator's desk today. I guess that's because it's an absolute wreck of paper. Actually, now that I think about it, the Amazin' Laser could be of some use there.
(7) Someone to wash Revel Blue. And for that matter, Ike. They both need baths.
(8) A DeLorean and a Mr. Fusion. I can figure out the rest.
(9) A little brother who would update his blog once in a while. Like, now.
(10) I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, hopeless, heartless, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey crap he is. Hallelujah.
Where's the Tylenol?
posted by mjw at 12/20/2005 05:54:00 PM
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