i'd rather bathe a horse

I have a streak of perfectionism in me. I also have a tree in my front yard, adjacent to the driveway, that splatters a thick layer of sap on any object that dares approach within 20 yards.

Fortuitously, Revel Blue wears a dark blue coat of paint. Uh oh.

Ever since my sixteenth birthday, when Her Honor handed me a set of keys to her dark cherry red '92 Sentra, I've been vigilant about keeping my vehicles clean. Over the years I've developed an obsessive-compulsive procedure for cleaning and waxing a car. I have a set of towels and sponges specifically dedicated to the task, and I'm one of those weirdos who actually has brand loyalty when it comes to automotive cleaning and waxing supplies.

You learn a lot about the ins and outs of a car the first time you wash it, and it takes time to learn the best washing procedure for any given make and model. The first time you wash a car is an intimate bonding experience. I won't take that analogy any further.

Yesterday happened to be my first chance to truly bond with Revel Blue, as it would be the first time I would wax him by hand since his purchase a few months ago.* You can wash a car by hand and learn a little, but wax it and you'll feel like you've known it your whole life.

I began the task as usual, with careful preparation. I parked Blue out of direct sunlight, got out the hose (no pressure wash!), mixed up some Meguiar's Gold Class Car Wash Shampoo & Conditioner, and set to work. Wheels first, then top to bottom on the rest. Nothing new here.

After drying him off, with a fine chamois of course, the time for polishing and waxing had begun. By the time I traded in my Ford pickup on Blue last year, I had the polishing and waxing task down to about 25 minutes, done one section at a time. The Ford had lots of sheetmetal without nooks and crannies on it to slow me down.

Revel Blue took me two hours.

The wash, interior, glass & vacuum portion of yesterday's ritual took the usual one hour, fifteen minutes. Little did I know the turn of events that would take place when it came time to wax.

Blue's designers, starting back in WWII, apparently decided that each piece of sheetmetal on the vehicle should be encumbered by exposed hinges, nooks, and assorted crannies that make the vehicle impossible to wax without a tiny sponge and careful, tiny strokes. Remember, you can't get wax on the glass, rubber, plastic, or in those little crannies or else you're going to have a heck of a time getting it off.

Three hours and fifteen minutes total yesterday. Around the time I started, my roommate left to hit some golfballs and have a leisurely dinner with his parents. He got home around the time I finished.

For affirmation I decided to type "hard to wash cars" into Google. I couldn't find an authoritative list to back up my new suspicion that I own the hardest-to-wash vehicle sold in America, but I did find the opinion of a guy who washes cars for a living. Read his answer to the very first question.

All worth it though, 'cause the carhop girl at Sonic complemented my Jeep this afternoon.

*In case you're wondering why I committed automotive neglect by waiting six months after purchasing Revel Blue to give him a wax, be aware that I actually had a professional do it twice. I felt sick and dirty afterward on both occassions.