you might be a redneck if...

I have found the holy grail of television, and my life can now be called complete. "Ultimate Arena Paintball" clearly stands to take over the airwaves with such force that all other shows will cower in fear of it, bowing down and proclaiming themeselves not worthy.

The program has everything! Production value. Inflatable obstacles. Rules of the game. High powered guns and brightly colored armor. A screaming announcer. Sideline reporters who deliver hard-hitting interviews with the athletes. And yes, the agony of defeat.

I am overwhelmed by the constant barrage of awesomeness.

The only thing that could possibly make the show better would be if I could get a bigger home theater system for my manufactured home. I could certainly swing that if I sell off one of the junk cars I have outside. I'm also sure the show's unbridled radicalness would be improved with color commentary guests like Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jeff Foxworthy.

Note to self: Get some more Pabst Blue Ribbon for next time it comes on.