past prophets are not an indicator of future results

The ubiquitous New Years resolution. Not once in my life have I ever made one. Not because there haven’t been things it would be nice to get a fresh start on, but because I have a gift for prognostication, and I prognosticate failure when it comes to goals like “I will not drink five cups of coffee every morning,” “I will eat a green thing every day,” and “I will stop internet stalking Natalie Portman.” Sorry folks, it just ain’t gonna happen.

My method ensures success at least…

Not to put a negative spin on this or anything. Goals, such as they are, help us to continually improve ourselves. But, frankly, on this the third day of January, the failure already seems tangible. The gym, mysteriously, was almost empty this morning. Go figure. The entrance to the building was littered with the usual crowd of smokers as I arrived at the office. And we certainly put the firm kitchen’s industrial-strength coffeemaker through its paces as usual today.

So I have to wonder. What is it about the new year that makes people want to change things? If there’s something that I want to change, I’m just going to do it. That’s just sort of the way it works, right? I got to work on that bar exam spare tire I got as soon as Her Honor lovingly made note of it by patting my then-expansive belly. As far as the other stuff, well, I like drinking coffee, dadgumit, so I don’t want to stop.

So I’m making my first resolution ever. I’m not going to stop drinking coffee.