these are a few of my favorite things
As promised, I've compiled a list of things I would do to harass celebrities and annoy the rest of society if I had $1,000,000,000.
1) The Busy Busy Bumblebee at Richard Branson's Picnic
Everyone's fav billionare, Richard Branson, likes to waste copious coin by piloting helium balloons around the world. As an amateur pilot, one thing I'd really like to do is get in a jet and buzz all around his balloon constantly, making his world a living nightmare at 60,000 feet. Most jets can't fly that high, but since I'm a billionaire in this scenario, I'm sure I'll find a suitable aircraft on ebay or something. Imagine the headlines: "Feud Between Rival Billionaire Pilots Takes to the Stratosphere!" If Howard Hughes were alive today I'm sure he would have already done this.
2) Steve Jobs Only Wishes
With $1,000,000,000, I would move in next to Bill Gates and build a 500' X 500' silver plated Apple Logo "obelisk" just to the east of his property. During the day, a giant sunscreen would come out of it and hover over his property, a la episode 128 of The Simpsons.
3) Bennifer, Part II
You know how annoying it was a couple years ago when all you ever heard about was Ben Affleck and JLo being attached at the hip? Well, that relationship went through a spectacular Hollywood meltdown. I think it would be fun to place lots of billboards with pictures of Ben and JLo together between his house and wherever it is that he shoots movies. Starting the moment he pulls out of his driveway until the moment he pulls into the studio, everywhere he looked he would see those images. Priceless.
4) Creed Deserves This
I would buy all the tickets to every Creed concert, then give them all to people who will be instructed to heckle during the entire show. To prove I'm not completely lacking a heart, I will purchase Scott Stapp some shampoo.
5) "Now Forming at the North End of MJW Field..."
Texas A&M remains as one of the few schools that hasn't hocked the name of its stadium to some rich alum, telephone company, or grocery store chain. I aim to change all that, because for a billion, you can bet they'll rename Kyle Field after their new favorite graduate of the Class of 2001. What do I want in exchange for my billion? On top of the press box will be a 150' bust in my likeness, giving the "Gig'Em" sign. Ol' Army what? I would do this just to cause Rick Perry and/or Clayton Williams just the slightest bit of annoyance.
6) Variety Show Greatness
I would buy airtime just for David Spade to do his "Hollywood Minute" for an hour each week.
7) Full House
Following around the Olsen Twins with twinkies and an airhorn would be kinda funny.
That's about it. Basically, If I had $1,000,000,000, I would be like an evil Ashton Kutcher. But don't think I'm heartless or cruel. Remember, Bill Gates and his ilk get to sleep on a pile of cash.
1) The Busy Busy Bumblebee at Richard Branson's Picnic
Everyone's fav billionare, Richard Branson, likes to waste copious coin by piloting helium balloons around the world. As an amateur pilot, one thing I'd really like to do is get in a jet and buzz all around his balloon constantly, making his world a living nightmare at 60,000 feet. Most jets can't fly that high, but since I'm a billionaire in this scenario, I'm sure I'll find a suitable aircraft on ebay or something. Imagine the headlines: "Feud Between Rival Billionaire Pilots Takes to the Stratosphere!" If Howard Hughes were alive today I'm sure he would have already done this.
2) Steve Jobs Only Wishes
With $1,000,000,000, I would move in next to Bill Gates and build a 500' X 500' silver plated Apple Logo "obelisk" just to the east of his property. During the day, a giant sunscreen would come out of it and hover over his property, a la episode 128 of The Simpsons.
3) Bennifer, Part II
You know how annoying it was a couple years ago when all you ever heard about was Ben Affleck and JLo being attached at the hip? Well, that relationship went through a spectacular Hollywood meltdown. I think it would be fun to place lots of billboards with pictures of Ben and JLo together between his house and wherever it is that he shoots movies. Starting the moment he pulls out of his driveway until the moment he pulls into the studio, everywhere he looked he would see those images. Priceless.
4) Creed Deserves This
I would buy all the tickets to every Creed concert, then give them all to people who will be instructed to heckle during the entire show. To prove I'm not completely lacking a heart, I will purchase Scott Stapp some shampoo.
5) "Now Forming at the North End of MJW Field..."
Texas A&M remains as one of the few schools that hasn't hocked the name of its stadium to some rich alum, telephone company, or grocery store chain. I aim to change all that, because for a billion, you can bet they'll rename Kyle Field after their new favorite graduate of the Class of 2001. What do I want in exchange for my billion? On top of the press box will be a 150' bust in my likeness, giving the "Gig'Em" sign. Ol' Army what? I would do this just to cause Rick Perry and/or Clayton Williams just the slightest bit of annoyance.
6) Variety Show Greatness
I would buy airtime just for David Spade to do his "Hollywood Minute" for an hour each week.
7) Full House
Following around the Olsen Twins with twinkies and an airhorn would be kinda funny.
That's about it. Basically, If I had $1,000,000,000, I would be like an evil Ashton Kutcher. But don't think I'm heartless or cruel. Remember, Bill Gates and his ilk get to sleep on a pile of cash.
posted by mjw at 6/09/2005 08:26:00 PM
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