please don't punish me

Not to keep pushing the "unfortunate aphorisms that came with my dessert at lunch" theme this blog has taken over the last week, but I just have to share this one. Because Laffy Taffy rocks the hizouse.

mjw's Laffy Taffy Question: "How do you know an ocean is friendly?"

mjw's Laffy Taffy Punchline: "Because it waves!"

I laughed out loud in the middle of our stuffed-shirt halls when I saw that, but I couldn't help but feel a little left out. Why? Because the Pacific Ocean has always been a little cold to me.

i'm just gonna order a pizza.

Happy birthday, ChrisA. I'll be ordering a pizza this evening in your honor. Or, you know, just making another peanut butter sandwich...

You know you've achieved codger status in the eyes of your old friends from school when:

(1) They think of you as some sort of "adult" figure now, asking you for advice and such. Uh, yeah, I was in school with you, like, four months ago, but now I have the life experience of your grandfather. Right.

(2) "It's so great to see you! Yeah, I know how work is...this semester I have to go to school from, like, 10am all the way till 4pm. It's weak!"

In all honesty though, today was awesome. Breakfast with The Hoov did not suck at all, and 9:30 rocked. Anytime you get some popcorn balls is a good day in my estimation.

white. it's the new black. or maroon. or whatever.

With apologies to Father Hoover, the blog needed a change. No more maroon; it was reminding me of the Aggies' current level of impotence on the football field.

To my credit, sort of, I actually was going to use a different skin, but I couldn't get it to work. Besides, who better to imitate than the SoulMaster himself? Apologies again to Hester.

The following changes will be coming to #1024 soon:

(1) I'm trading in Revel Blue for a Tahoe. There aren't enough of those in Amarillo, anyway;
(2) I'm going to start dating a girl from Kerrville. Her name is, uh, Cassandra;
(3) I'll be moving to the west coast to pretend like I'm practicing law while really just driving around the kids from my church in the new Tahoe;
(4) I'm moving in with a preacher and his family to mooch off their legendary generosity.

I'll be putting some new links up soon, so check 'em out, people.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

nothing of note will happen in the part of the week when you'll still be around

The fortune cookie. Portender of all things trite. Today, I had the pleasure of cracking one open only to find myself crestfallen at the message of hope it conveyed.

"If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted."

Pessimism rarely rears it's ugly head around me, but when I read this missive, I got to thinking: Isn't this just another way of saying, "Aim low, dude, because that way you won't be disappointed."

What kind of fortune cookie is this? Normally I don't buy into prognostication; the cookie would have been far more accurate if it had read, "You will now chew on the most stale 'treat' you'll ever experience."

I like the adage cookies better anyway. The good news about that, I suppose, is that 85% of the "fortune cookies" one gets with the bill at a Chinese restaurant are really adage cookies, not fortune cookies. No prognostication, no foul.

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

whoop! or, you know, just shoot me...

I guess that, contrary to popular opinion, my alma mater does, in truth and fact, rock.

I guess. Click the link and turn up the volume.

The Aggie War Hymm

once in a blue moon...

There comes a time in every man's life, and for me that apparently is every five months, when it's time to get serious. Beware, a serious post follows. If you're reading this and you're lucky enough to be at a point in your life where you're deciding what career path you want, listen up and listen well: Go into a career where you'll be genuinely improving people's lives.

This afternoon, I received my first call ever from a real live client. Turns out she really needed legal advice, and she was distraught. I gave her the requisite assurances and told her what I could do for her. I then followed through and did what I said I would do. I cut red tape, it's what lawyers do, of course. I called her back, and in her voice I could actually hear tangible relief. To top it off, she said thank you.

I confirmed today that I picked the right profession.

tom petty, man of genius

You take it on faith,
You take it to the heart,
The waiting is the hardest part.

austin city limits

As promised, a rundown of the Austin experience, circa October 2005:

To keep things in perspective, faithful reader of blog needs to keep in mind the following unique trait I possess - prior to graduating from Texas A&M (Whoop!) and, later, from Texas Tech (Wreck 'em!), I spent sixteen months in attendance at the University of Texas at Austin. Basically, I'm a public university tramp, having spent time at each of the three major universities in Texas.

I swear I'm neither cheap nor easy. I'm just disloyal, and to that end, I observed the following:

(1) Sixth Street has far more to offer when you're 21 and up, including cross dressing, hot pants wearing street people. You just don't see that in College Station.

(2) The Salt Lick still lays claim to the greatest brisket and sausage in the world -- a true guilt explosion of pleasure. To those that overheard LittleBro's joke, I apologize.

(3) The Paris, Texas special at Kearby Lane Cafe makes sense if you have JPo there to explain it to you. Just make sure you don't get the chipotle on your French toast.

(4) Tailgating in Austin seems far more subdued than tailgating in Lubbock. I didn't observe a single fight or thrown tortilla.

Texas won the game and now claims the number one spot in the kingdom of college football. As a tip of my hat to Austin, I'll suck it up and repeat the mantra, but just this once: Hook 'em Horns!

wreck 'em tech?

Austin was swell, the second finest trip I've ever taken, as a matter of fact. The only thing that may have repercussions is that I was trying to to show some Raider spirit, and the Austin sun helped me out.

I need some aloe. Also, this could be bad since I've got a bench trial on Thursday. Details on the Austin trip forthcoming...

but your honor, it's a technical deficiency

In the days before our society became "enlightened" enough to embrace the lethal injection method of capital punishment, the town of Clayton, New Mexico enjoyed a good hanging now and then. They probably liked to eat jalapenos, too.

Anyway, today an attorney related a story during lunch that was really gross, so I thought I'd share it:

A gentleman there had been sentenced to death for murdering some poor sap. His lawyer appealed the conviction and got a stay from the governor just before the offender was to be led to the gallows. During the intervening years between the filing of his appeal and the appellate court's eventual affirmation of the conviction, the murderer gained quite a bit of weight.

Unfortunately, the hangman didn't take this into account when he set up the gallows. Instead, he just used his previous calculations. You can pretty much guess at what happened next. The condemned's head was, uh, separated from his body when the hangman dropped the plank.

After this story was related, over a meal of delicious roast beast as a matter of fact, a few people piped up and opined that maybe that wasn't such a bad way to go, pain-wise.

I wonder whether his lawyer appealed on the basis of cruel and unusual punishment.

i'll take that change in unmarked, nonconsecutive $1s, please

Yesterday in this space I mentioned that I had eaten my last three meals at the always delightful Chiyo's. Make that four. That's four chickens pad thai. And I've confirmed that, yes, it was a bad idea.

6:15 am: Wake up with a slight twinge in the gut and a little shiver.

6:20-6:40 am: Go for a jog. Um, yeah, not a great idea.

9:00 am: Getting hungry for lunch already. Anyplace but Chiyo's, please.

11:45 am: Get a call from fellow lowly associate -- "Hey, we're going to Chiyo's. Come on!"

11:45:03 am: Me -- "Sounds Great!" Thinking to myself that I've got to get some Tums.

12:05 pm: The hot'n'spicy arrives. Regret manifests. This was not a good life decision.

12:30 pm: "Hey guys, I need to, uh, get back to the office."

12:45-7:30 pm: Sit at desk in a suit, doing lawyer junk; wishing I was actually in a Thai prison instead of the feeling as though I were running one.

I should have seen this coming. I mean, the fortune cookie at lunch yesterday said, "You will eat here again tomorrow." Huh, I never really believed those things...

Perhaps as a harbinger of the future medical costs I'm sure to incur, when the guy rang me up at the register, he tried to charge me $6226.56 for the pad thai and the unlimited refill iced tea. I assured him that this was incorrect. He agreed.

i'm not even mad...that's amazing!

So I found out this evening that JPo likes to eat entire blocks of cheese. That's cool, if you're into that sort of thing.

The revelation got me to thinking, though. I've consumed my fair share of inedibles in my day:

The Bowl of Salsa at El Matador: This one earned me a whole $2. Hey, in junior high, that's a lot of money. Well, maybe not.

The Hot Dog Contest: I didn't earn any money, and I certainly didn't win the contest, but hey, I did get to puke on the Historic Denton County Courthouse lawn, and nobody got mad about it.

The Sugar: If someone tells me they doubt me, that just makes me want to do it more. Very adultish. Nevertheless, I gleaned this lesson from that experience -- it's best to unwrap the sugar packets first. Especially when you're asked to down ten of them.

The Cigarette Box: Fast forward to first year of law school. They doubted me again, so I had to prove them wrong. I got $6 for eating it. I would have earned $10 if I hadn't taken the cellophane off first (and of course the box was empty). I still missed my morning classes the next day. I said it then, and I still believe it: The problem wasn't the cardboard, it was the ink. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Three Straight Meals at Chiyos: Since lunch yesterday, my only meals have been Chicken Pad Thai from the little hot'n'spicy joint down the street from the office. I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea.

shoot the hostage

Pop quiz hotshot.

After six games, the University of Texas is 6-0. After six games, Texas Tech University is 6-0. On Saturday, things come to a head in Austin. Conventional wisdom says the 'Horns should stomp us, but forget conventional wisdom. This one could be a classic.

And I get to go.

At least, that's the plan. Niggling details like plane tickets and lodging aside, everything's set. Except for one problem: I've been asked to go to an entirely different city, my own little-d, on business the day before, and possibly the day of.

I need suggestions to solve this problem. Can I fly out of Love? Should I ride down to Austin and fly back to Amarillo? Should I beg out of the business trip altogether? Should I chillax and take a shower first? Maybe I should just sabotage the whole thing by having the client meet me in Austin (as if that were my choice).

Whatever solution I come up with, it won't be pretty but it's sure to work. Must...Be...Creative...

i have no desire to listen to the temptations, which is weird

I'm the first to admit that I have generic white guy taste in music, but the neighbor seems to think she knows what I want to listen to.

Why else would she be playing The Temptations at decibels normally reserved for the American Airlines Center?

I know one thing, that being that I ain't too proud to beg my neighbor to turn down that music...

don't come one step closer or i'll throw a shoe

If you haven't figured out that obscure analogy, then just think of me as a young horse.

In my quest to prove just how adult (or spineless) I can be when I want to, I made a decision today that I better get a thank you note for: I left the Tech game early to go to - get this - a baby shower.

I guess this means I'm not like that bear after all. Thanks anyway, Vince Vaughn.

the walrus was not, i repeat, not paul

I know that John sang otherwise, and clearly it's a point of contention, but Paul basically has confirmed that Lennon/McCartney just wrote that lyric to have some fun with the fans who kept trying to guess at the answer.

John would have been 65 last week. Maybe we could have gotten a definite answer.

My obsession has taken a turn for the worse. Anyone know how I can stop it?

clearly this man is on (to) something...

In September, nine-year veteran weathercaster Scott Stevens of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, Idaho, resigned to pursue his obsession of proving that the massiveness of Hurricane Katrina must have been caused by a Russian-made electromagnetic generator employed by the Japanese Yakuza in retaliation for the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. The "patterns and odd geometric shapes" in the sky are "unmistakable" evidence, according to his Web site, that "our weather has been stolen from us." Station manager Bill Fouch said that Stevens was great at forecasting local conditions and that he was sorry to lose him. [Idaho State Journal, 9-23-05]

Given these new revelations, I have decided to give up my private practice to focus on our government's claims under international law.

Weather Wars

a follow-up to yesterday's post

For another reason I deem my future as a family law specialist secure, follow the link:

Super Tense Press Release

I'll need $5,000 as a retainer, Chris...

the rib crib

"This place just doesn't have the street cred I'd imagined..."

Probably the most infamous words ever spoken on a first date, and to think they were mine. Last night though, at my new favorite restaurant, I overheard the most uncomfortable conversation ever held on a date. Forgive me for eavesdropping, kind stranger, but you should not have gone into the following line of questioning:

Inept Gentleman: So, how was work on Friday?

Inebriated Woman: Uh, it was okay, I guess.

Inept Gentleman: Just okay. Sounds bad.

Inebriated Woman: Well, I got fired.

At this point, surely the dude would have known to change the subject. But no...

Inept Gentleman: You got fired?! Why?

Inebriated Woman: I'm sleeping with the boss's son.

Okay, dude, you've GOT to change the subject. Fast...

Inept Gentleman: That's okay. I did the same thing when I was married.

As a budding family law specialist, I slept easy last night knowing that my job prospects are secure.

hey hey what can i do?

Let's just set the record straight -- I categorically deny that I have a gambling problem.

I also have better hair than Pete Rose, proof that the two traits might somehow be intertwined.

Questionable coiffure decisions aside, the autumn brings with it college football, which brings with it a few bets between friends, which in turn bring some "friendly" phone calls from said friends. Around Texas, that progression makes a pretty safe parlay on Saturdays. I recieved the following phone calls today...

7:14 am: Her Honor. Not football related, but it got me up for SportsCenter. Something about gum or taffy or somesuch. Huh. I'll call her back after coffee.

8:53 am: DaniSimm. We bet a green fee at The Cliffs on Wisconsin v. Northwestern. I took Wisconsin.

9:58 am: Bro making sure I was up for GameDay on ESPN. Man that dude's weird.

11:41 am: The Man wanting to know where the heck I am. When your boss invites you over for the game, you go. He's a Sooner, so we bet a couple cigars. I got the better of that one.

2:56 pm: DaniSimm again. I lost that stupid Wisconsin game. That's two years in a row.

3:52 pm: LLam. Happy about the tsips winning and even more happy about taking money from me on the Kansas/Kansas State game.

4:54 pm: KaEl. Also happy about the tsips winning. Only person besides mom who called me today that I don't owe money to, meaning that she's also the only one I won't be ducking calls from for the next two weeks.

6:17 pm: BigDog. I still owe him from last week, so I didn't answer. Besides, I'm watching A&M right now.

6:19 pm: I didn't pick up the first time. Sheesh.

7:02 pm: TheAggie. We're already losing.

7:37 pm until next Saturday: Everyone I know. Thanks, I already know A&M sucks.

I got a little woman and she won't be true.

we are the aggies, the aggies are we

For those of you who haven't seen it already...

I'll take the over this weekend.

i like you. you're on tv.

So I have a crush on the 10:00 weekend news girl.

Friends tell me she's out of my league, but who cares. Through the miracle fantasy medium of the 10:00 news, I can tell she's possessing of great intellect and personality. Also hotness.

Now, despite what you may be thinking, I'm not some weirdo who sends anonymous flowers to the news girl or stalks her on the internet. Not more than once anyway. As a matter of fact, I actually met her and talked to her. And let me tell you, rico suave made his appearance...

Amarillo acquits itself well as a party town, despite the reputation it's garnered throughout the non-panhandle section of the Lone Star State. And in the month of September, it's Chamber Barbeque time. And that's where I found myself when the golden opportunity happened.

The Chamber Barbeque is an event in which anybusiness who's anybusiness sets up shop on downtown Polk street and fosters goodwill by competing in brisket competitions. As the new guy, I was handling the smoker duties while more important lawyers either mingled or billed hours through the "miracle" of the Treo phone.

As I was carrying a tray of brisket across the street to a lawyer friend, it happened. I wasn't watching where I was going and bumped into her with the brisket. The following exchange occurred, and I swear these are the exact words that were spoken. Intonation in italics:


HotTVGirl (irked): Oh wow, that's a lot of brisket!

mjw (surprised): Oh sorry. Aren't you....?

HotTVGirl (irked-er): Yeah. Did you get some of that on your shirt?

mjw (sheepishly): I like you. You're on TV...

HotTVGirl (weirded out): Uh, yeah. Well...(trails off).

I think she digs me. I'm sooo in now...

blog kryptonite

In case you, faithful reader of blog, haven't noticed, posts have been, uh, notably absent since shortly after the bar exam. My pledge to you -- that will change. For now, please take a good look at this picture. That's my work building. Home away from Home. And blog kryptonite.

More relatively good posts forthcoming...